how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
