I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
