Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
