I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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