Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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