anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
