Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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