I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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