i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
