Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
