The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
