If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
