Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
