Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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