drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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