peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
