I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
