she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
