My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
