I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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