No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
