We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
