was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I think my nap took me to another dimension
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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