Your mouth is God's brothel.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
