It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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