Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My butt remains clenched, sir.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
