It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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