I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
