I faked an abortion last night.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
