Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Randomize
