Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
