i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
