It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
