Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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