My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
