Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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