Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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