The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
