nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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