Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
