i think i recognize dicks better than faces
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
