my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
As shirtless as possible
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
