I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
