I just saw a hot homeless man
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
