the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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