what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
