Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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