I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Come see our sink grown plant.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
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