Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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