I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
