Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
