chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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