Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
