My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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