I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you didnt know i had herpes?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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