My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
