I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
